Well, this is exciting.
My name is Rawlgeeb, yes, that's right. I'm that Rawlgeeb. I suppose, bearing in mind the lack of perception in the average human being, there may be some of you who haven't heard of me yet. Really, I wonder where you've been and what you've been doing, but we can only work with what we have, and in your case, it seems that what we have to work with is not much, so here's a primer.
I'm a Gloabon, obviously, and for some time I worked with the Earth Liaison Unit, also known as the ELU for the sake of brevity, and not as some of you call us, our alien overlords. Frankly, we don't have much time for that kind of talk in Gloabon Government circles. We are not monsters and we are not here to invade and dominate the planet Earth, but if people insist on that kind of species stereotyping, we may have to fire up the weapons on our space station The Gamulon and blast a few little holes in a city or two, just as a friendly reminder that we’re all in this together, and to reinforce the point that prejudice is never okay.
Now we have the admin out of the way…
Haha! Who am I kidding? Admin is never out of the way, and why would you want it to be? Oh, but I mustn’t take too much time to regale you with my hilarious tomfoolery. Let’s get on with the business at hand!
Welcome to the first post in what I am reliably informed we must refer to as a blog. Of course, my colleague, Brent Bolster, says the whole thing is a waste of time, but in this, as in so much else, he is wrong. As Gloabon citizens and servants of our glorious and highly efficient government, it is our duty to communicate our ideas as widely and frequently as possible. We must broadcast to all and sundry, covering all eventualities. And if that means producing a 457-page booklet of instructions and health warnings for every packet of crispy fried cobra tails we consume, then so be it.
Now, where to begin?
On first arriving on Earth, you may be surprised at the level of sophistication you witness in human society. This is, I'm afraid, a rookie mistake, and most visitors soon see through the veneer of civilization and understand the true nature of human beings very quickly. Unfortunately, for many a Gloabon, this realization comes just a few moments after engaging in their first conversation with the ordinary man in the street, who has accosted the visitor in a jovial fashion, perhaps offering directions or some other small assistance. Yes, you may already have guessed it, but an apparently welcoming approach of this kind is nothing more than a ruse, a cheap trick to distract the tourist while simultaneously stripping everything of value from the visitor's pocket.
This may seem like a stark warning with which to begin my light-hearted blog, but it is just as well to address these things from the outset. Much as I'd like to leave your warm illusions about the human race intact, I would be failing in my duty as a Gloabon if I were to skim over the grim realities of life on Earth.
But do not think me a harsh judge. Not all humans are bad, but it must be said that were they to apply their ingenuity for gaining personal property and perceived advantage to more noble ends, they might achieve something. Indeed, humans have shown flashes of brilliance in the past, when their collective efforts have resulted in such ground-breaking developments such as mint-flavored dental floss, the biro that can write in four, yes, you read that right, four colors, and the crowning glory of the human race, correcting fluid. It is instructional to note that the latter was first formulated by a female of the species, and if you want to indulge in intelligent conversation while on the planet, you'll need to find a woman, since the males, without exception, are incapable of it. Just a note of warning here. Due to certain local sensitivities, any hunt for a suitable companion for a little intercourse must be carefully phrased. And if your initial requests meet with an over-enthusiastic response, be cautious. For example, any offer of a good time should not be taken literally.
Come to that, virtually nothing said to you can be taken at face value. While on the face of it, human languages appear to be phonic in nature, much is expressed tonally and physically. Our scientists have suggested that the only reason humans have such large brains is that there are a very large number of facial muscles, all of which must be minutely controlled at any given time. A twitch of the faintly disgusting eyebrows, a curl of the lip, a tightening of the jaw: all these can portend a change in the mood of the conversation. And ironically, a toothy smile, especially when accompanied by such friendly terms of endearment as ‘pal', ‘buddy', or in some areas, ‘mate', is a sure sign of impending violence.
But, the intricacies of human language must wait for another time—another post as us bloggers say.
That’s it for today but do please follow along with my highly helpful and very informative posts. You can even have them emailed to you when you follow this blog, a process known as subscribing.
Until next time, farewell, and may your stapler always be fully loaded. Oh, perhaps that could be my new catchphrase. Humans enjoy that kind of thing because it helps them with to deal with their tragically short attention span. Also, initials are good for this purpose, so I’ll say MYSABFL and goodbye!
You may comment below, but please remain civil or you may be liable for sampling aboard The Gamulon. Thank you.
Join me on a Journey into Books
With my readers' group, The Awkward Squad